Star Spangled Hammered
by hullosweetpea
Summary: Inebriated. Sloshed. Plastered. Tipsy. Drunk. Whatever you call it, this Fourth of July Tony has a plan to see the good ol' Cap in a way no one has before.


**A/N: I was at Icing getting my second lobe piercing and while I was filling out the paperwork my sister found a flask that said 'I'm gonna get star spangled hammered.' Naturally, I laughed my ass off and then wrote this story. It's intended as a fun romp and not in any way seriously. Hope you enjoy and happy Fourth!**

Star Spangled Hammered

They had a lot to celebrate about: Ultron was no longer a threat, a new group of Avengers was preparing themselves for anything the universe could throw at them and it was the Fourth of July. Even though the Avengers weren't seen in the best of light by the government, Banner was still missing, and a bit of animosity sometimes crept under their skin didn't mean they wouldn't party: not if Tony Stark was involved.

"So I'm thinking the fireworks display should be big. And loud. Like cannons going off."

Rhodey rolled his eyes. "Would it be anything else with you?"

"No, and I'll need you to help me set up later. However," Tony paused and scanned the room, "there's really only one goal tonight."

"And that is..." asked Sam.

"Get Cap completely hammered."

"You do know that's biologically impossible," pointed out Natasha.

"You are right Romanoff, but you don't know what I have," boasted Tony as he pulled out a bottle.

"What is that," asked Sam.

"Tony, is that what I think it is," asked Rhodey.

Tony shook the bottle, sloshing its contents around. "Yep, Thor's ale. I filched it off of him last time he was here. If we have any chance seeing the good Cap plastered it's with this and it's going to be tonight."

"Is this even going to work? Steve still paces himself like he will get drunk and I can bet you it's still going to take quite a bit of that to get him going on the train leaving Sobriety Station headed to Inebriated Island," added Sam.

"Have faith Wilson," assured Tony.

Natasha grabbed the bottle from Tony's hand. "How strong is it then? If Rogers paces he might catch on. If it's strong to begin with he might not catch it in time."

Tony grabbed it back. "One of Steve's buddies had some. Barely covered the bottom of the shot glass, but that guy was out."

"Damn, that's strong," mumbled Natasha.

"Exactly, so try and make sure it only gets in Capsicle. It's not meant for us 'mortals.'"

-o-O-o-

Steve knew something was up. Sam and Natasha kept going off and discussing something in low whispers and Tony and Rhodey were no better. Then again, it's not like that ever happened before. As the others filtered in Steve grabbed a beer and twisted the cap off. "Hey Steve," shouted Tony as he stepped away from Rhodey.  
"Hey Tony. Do you have any 'surprises' planned for later or was that with Rhodey nothing?"

Tony smirked and tipped his glass to his lips. "Just a little something between me and him. Why? Am I supposed to be doing something?"

Steve shook his head. "No, it's just the only time you have a face like that you ignore a direct order."

Tony shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? I don't play well with others."

Steve shrugged in reply and took a sip of his beer. "The others could vouch for me on that. Well, maybe not Banner."

He nodded. "True, very true. I miss the guy, haven't had a decent conversation since. Say, you want something stronger than that?"

Steve's eyebrow quirked up at the odd change of conversation before it settled in a frown. "No, I was never one for hard liquor, always a cold beer." He tipped the bottle back to his lips and leaned against the bar. "Not like it would do anything now."

Tony snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, that's right. You can't really have a fun time with our 'mortal' drink. Well, have a nice night Steve." He clapped Steve on the back leaving the super soldier baffled at Tony's somewhat odd behavior.

Steve shook his head and left the bar and found Rhodey, Sam and Maria talking in a corner. "Where'd Natasha go?"

Sam shrugged his shoulders. "She told me she was going to go do something. Tony might have sent her on an errand or something."

Steve looked around at the crowd. "It's nice to see the new Avenger initiative here enjoying themselves for a change."

"It is nice to have a break," assured Rhodey.

"And it's nice to be back with you guys," added Maria.

"It's nice to have you back Maria," said Steve.

She smiled. "I couldn't leave you guys."

"And, uh, it's definitely appreciated," said Sam with a grin.

Maria raised an eyebrow as she looked at him. "I'm sure you do."

Steve felt awkward as Sam and Maria flirted. "I'll go see if Nat needs help."

"Yeah you do that Rogers," muttered Sam absent-mindedly.

Rhodey looked between the two and sighed. "I should probably find Stark. Who the hell knows what he's up to."

Steve left Maria and Sam to do whatever the hell was going to come out of their flirting and walked past the bar on his way upstairs, but stopped when he saw Natasha behind the bar by herself. "What's a girl like you doing behind the bar?"

She looked up at him and smirked. "Seeing if there's a chance I can get away with taking a bottle from Tony's stash."

"And how's that looking?"

She put four bottles on the counter. "Seeing as how this is the best out of the whole lot I know he has the better stuff hidden." She picked up a bottle and studied it. "I don't know what this one is." She held up towards Steve's face and smiled. "Wanna try with me?"

Steve put his beer on the bar. "Why not?"

Natasha put two shot glasses on the table and filled both of them up. "Cheers," she said with a grin.

Steve closed his eyes and downed the shot back, completely missing Natasha pouring her's back in the bottle. Steve's eyes opened wide and so did his mouth. "Wow, that definitely...backs a punch."

Natasha grinned. "Yeah, sure does. Want another?"

"I don't know...," said Steve warily as he stared at the shot glass.

"Come on. I'll do it with you again," encouraged Natasha.

"Alright, but only one more."

Natasha filled them both back up, but poured a double shot for Steve this time. He picked the small glass up without looking and tipped it back in lips quicker than last time, giving Natasha less time to pour the contents of her glass back in the bottle.

"That's strong. Super strong," commented Steve, a bit of a slur on his words.

Natasha poured his glass. "One more to round it off?"

"You'll do it again with me," asked Steve.

"Of course," she didn't even pour any in her glass and just mimed the actions as Steve sat the glass back down. "See? Nothing bad happened."

Steve grinned at her. "Yep!"

-o-O-o-

"Where is he," asked Tony with glee in his voice.

Natasha lifted an eyebrow. "Currently? Puking behind the bar."

Tony looked crest fallen. "What, but I thought-"

"No, not a fun drunk. Sorry Tony, you lose out," she said with a shrug.

"Did he at least say anything funny?"

"He was talking about how you're similar to his father. He actually told a pretty good one about-"

"La,la,la, I _don't_ want to hear about it. Seriously, shouldn't something good have come from this," asked Tony.

Steve's head popped up from behind the bar. "Tony?"

"What is it Capsicle?"

"'M star-spangled hammered," Steve's head ducked back under the bar and Tony and Natasha could hear him heaving again.

They both looked at each other before laughing. "Okay I don't know how the hell he thought of that, but that was funny," said Tony.

Natasha looked back between the bar and Tony. "Yeah, but who's going to clean up?"

Tony cringed. "I have the fireworks to do so-"

"Rhodey's already on it," she replied with a smug grin.

"Yeah well-"

"And it was your idea. Have fun with Rogers," she said before slipping back into the crowd.

Tony walked over to the bar and sighed as he leaned against it. "It's my tower. No big deal though," he muttered to no one in particular.

"I thought twelve...percent of it was Pepper's," mumbled Steve.

Tony rolled his eyes and sighed. "C'mon Cap let's get you somewhere." Fireworks boomed loud in the sky above as Tony helped Steve towards somewhere that wasn't the bar.

 **A/N: If you're looking for more Fourth of July fun I also have another title "Are You My Dashing Sailor?"**


End file.
